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Subject:Re: How would you revise? From:arroxaneullman -at- aol -dot- com To:techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com Date:Wed, 18 Jul 2007 17:17:37 -0400
I would first ask the author of the first paragraph why s/he uses "loop" to mean two different things.
"When a dog is running, once the first dog is completed..." et cetera. My point is that the lack of clarity in the sentence is not just a matter of rearranging words. In this case, you may need to choose different words altogether.
Otherwise, your revision seems acceptable. I take it that someone does not approve... Any particular objections or just general dislike of your choices?
My 1 cent's worth.
Arroxane
-----Original Message-----
From: Ben <baj357 -at- gmail -dot- com>
To: 'TECHWR-L' <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com>
Sent: Wed, 18 Jul 2007 2:46 pm
Subject: How would you revise?
Without any further context, how would you revise the following?
When a loop is running, once the first loop is completed, the lines in the
loop are not editable anymore." My revision: "When a loop is running, you
cannot edit the lines in the loop after the first loop is completed."
Or revise this sentence: "For submitted sequences, all lines are editable."
My revision: "You can edit all lines for submitted sequences."
Your thoughts?
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