FW: STYLE:HELP

["Delaney, Misti" <ncr02!ncr02!mdelaney -at- UCS01 -dot- ATTMAIL -dot- COM>]

I prefer version 1, myself - tell them what to do and when to do it - the
important stuff gets lost the other way.  also, you might say "Sniff the
product to check for strong odors..." or some such, rather than "find out
if" - also, "strong odors" is a very subjective thing (just ask my husband,
who has *no* sense of smell!).

Becca
ncr02!bprice -at- attmail -dot- com
 ----------
From: TECHWR-L
To: internet!VM1.ucc.okstate.edu!TECHWR-L (Multiple recipients of list
TECHWR-L)
Subject: STYLE:HELP
Date: Tuesday, July 25, 1995 8:39AM

Help.  Which construction is better?  Is the first sentence conditional?


1.  ALERT:   Look for visible meat fibers when inspecting rawhide chews and
dog toys.
     Sniff the product to find out if it has a strong odor.   If you detect
either
     meat fibers or a strong odor, the rawhide product is not enterable.

2.  ALERT:  When inspecting rawhide chews and dog toys, look for visible
meat fibers.
     Sniff the product to find out if it has a strong odor.   If you detect
either meat
     fibers or a strong odor, the rawhide product is not enterable.

This is a controversy in our manual's section.  And, we want to get it
right.  It's for a manual agricultural officers use to protect our country's
livestock from foreign pathogens.

Thanks,

a342jpatters -at- attmail -dot- com