FW: Toasters (humor)

["John L. Wilcox" <wilcox -at- PCD -dot- NET>]

>If IBM made toasters...
>  They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
>  submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
>  market for five, maybe six toasters.

>If Microsoft made toasters...
>  Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
>  toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have
>  to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence
>  requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to
>  power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
>  claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or
>  dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your
>  other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate
>  Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
>  good bread only works with their toasters.

>If Apple made toasters...
>  It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
>  earlier.

>If Fisher Price made toasters...
>  "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
>  toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

>If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
>  It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
>  morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
>  department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints
>  for the box would be highly classified government documents. The
>  X-Files would have an episode about it.

>If the NSA made toasters...
>  Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
>  access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
>  national security.

>Does DEC still make toasters?...
>  They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

>If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
>  They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
>  and gives you regular bread.

>If Sony made toasters...
>  Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than
>  the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
>  attached to your belt.

>If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
>  Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of
>  your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

>If Cray made toasters...
>  They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
>  single-slice toaster in the world.

>If Thinking Machines made toasters...
>  You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the
>  same time.

>If Timex made toasters...
>  They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
>  take a licking and keep on toasting.

>If Radio Shack made toasters...
>  The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
>  it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

>If K-Tel sold toasters...
>  They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set
>  of Ginsu knives.

>If University of Waterloo made toasters...
>  They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.

>If the PQ made toasters...
>  They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the
>  appliances.