Long sentences

[Combs, Richard]

Nancy Allison wrote: 
 
> I'm working on a document that has a very good Introduction 
> -- except for one thing that I can't quite decide about. Some 
> of the sentences are awfully long. Would you break up or 
> reorganize these sentences? (I'm changing the topic in these 
> examples):
> 
> The Sunshine program spans all areas of personal homebuilding 
> efforts -- permit authorization through post-construction 
> inspection and reporting -- ensuring comprehensive, 
> documented compliance for any builder to all local and state 
> regulations.

The first one can -- and should, IMO -- easily be made into two
sentences: 

The Sunshine program spans all areas of personal homebuilding efforts --
permit authorization through post-construction inspection and reporting.
It ensures builders of comprehensive, documented compliance to all local
and state regulations.
 
> The Sunshine program delivers several immediate benefits, 
> including improved verification of a builder's construction 
> practices, reduced paperwork, streamlined communications, and 
> comprehensive review and alerts to avoid State-imposed fines.

This one cries out for a colon after "including," with the rest turned
into bullet items. Why do you thing that's inappropriate for an
introductory section? I think it's highly appropriate.

Richard


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Richard G. Combs
Senior Technical Writer
Polycom, Inc.
richardDOTcombs AT polycomDOTcom
303-223-5111
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rgcombs AT gmailDOTcom
303-777-0436
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