Long sentences

[quills at airmail.net]

At 9:01 AM -0600 2/2/07, Nancy Allison wrote:
>I'm working on a document that has a very good Introduction -- 
>except for one thing that I can't quite decide about. Some of the 
>sentences are awfully long. Would you break up or reorganize these 
>sentences? (I'm changing the topic in these examples):
>
>The Sunshine program spans all areas of personal homebuilding 
>efforts -- permit authorization through post-construction inspection 
>and reporting -- ensuring comprehensive, documented compliance for 
>any builder to all local and state regulations.
>
>Or
>
>The Sunshine program delivers several immediate benefits, including 
>improved verification of a builder's construction practices, reduced 
>paperwork, streamlined communications, and comprehensive review and 
>alerts to avoid State-imposed fines.
>
>To me, these sentences, though ambitious, flow pretty well. (I'm 
>sorry if my substitutions are sufficiently odd to be distracting in 
>themselves.) In the first example, I'd change "compliance to" to 
>"compliance with" but otherwise I don't see any problem with the 
>English.
>
>The document in question is for an American industry that conducts 
>business in English, and it is very unlikely to be translated. So, 
>the somewhat dense construction will not be an impediment to 
>translators.
>
>Finally, this is an introductory section, and it would not be 
>appropriate to break everything into bulleted lists. Prose really is 
>preferable here.
>
>Your thoughts?
>

Even a bulleted list would improve readability. Consider breaking up 
a long sentence like since it is a list. IT would make the sentence 
shorter, and pull out the individual elements you are highlighting.

Scott