FWD: Some Curious Writing Examples sent from a NEXTcontact at HP

["Bob Lord, DTN 522-6614," <lord -at- CXCAD -dot- ENET -dot- DEC -dot- COM>]

Hi,

Thought you might enjoy some of the humor in this newsletter
from our corporate office.  At this high-stress time of year,
a bit of smiling and a few belly laughs can help.

art
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                                                      Corporate Engineering



                              MAKING IT OBVIOUS         Child's letter
                                                        to a publisher
                              Dear Sir
                              I am returning your book because it told me
                              more about penguins than I wanted to know.
OVER-SMART PRODUCTS           _____________________________________________


*   UNREQUESTED ASSISTANCE

    If you can't find what you want in a manual, keep looking; you may find
    something completely unwanted.  John Brockmann found these no-helpers
    [from "Writing Better Computer User Documentation", John Wiley, 1990]:

    - Apple II DOS 3.2 Manual:

      What happened was this, your Apple II went on a fruitless, unending
      search for information on a blank diskette (on a clear disk you can
      see forever).

    - Xerox Expanded FORTRAN IV Reference Manual:

      Instead of referring to pi as 3.1459265358 at every appearance, the
      variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement and used
      instead of the longer form of the constant.  This also simplifies
      modifying the program should the value of pi change.

    - DEC System-10 Hardware Reference Manual:

      It is alright to use spray cleaner on exposed vertical surfaces.  The
      "alright" in this caution applies to the sheet metal.  Whether the
      carcinogens that come out of aerosol cans are alright for your lungs
      is up to you to decide.  It has never been shown that the presence or
      absence of fingermarks or other stains has any effect whatever on the
      operation of the system.  And anyway, it is probably much healthier
      to get a little exercise using something like Spic and Span.

    - IBM APT-AC Program Reference Manual:

      The CONTIN statement is an executable statement, and when executed,
      it performs no operation, provides no output, hums not a note, taps
      no foot, and it don't care what's ahead of it, or for that matter,
      what's behind it.  It is as solid as a redwood tree and as wispy as a
      cloud, for none can remain there very long.  It is Ole Man River: it
      don't do nothing, it just keep rollin along.  A neutral statement, a
      shady spot, a point of quietude in the midst of a busy thoroughfare.



*   HOW THINGS WORK, REALLY

    The graphic explanations of the workings of machines in "The Way Things
    Work" by David Macaulay [Dorling Kindersley, 1990] are recognized as
    models.  Now, for graphic communicators with attitude, comes "The Way
    Things Really Work" [Henry Beard & Ron Barrett, Viking Penguin, 1993]
    - best described as a pastiche.  These work even without the graphics:

    How Instructions For VCRs And Microwaves Are Written:

    1  Step-by-step description of basic features of product and method
       of operation is written in clear Japanese by a team of technical
       writers and product engineers.

    2  Their work is transmitted overseas, where it is translated into a
       "neutral transition language", usually Danish.

    3  Resulting text is read by a non-Danish speaker to another non-Danish
       over payphones in a train station.

    4  This "basic operating text" is then translated into English, French,
       German, Spanish, and Italian and any other desired language by
       students at a language school in Indonesia working under long-term
       contract to Japanese electronics industry, for example: "You be
       putting batries not to being enclused. Sparking is badness."

    5  Final version is checked for incomprehensibility by original design
       and engineering team.

    How Hotel Bath And Shower Fixtures Are Designed:

    1  All known methods of regulating flow and adjusting temperature of
       fluids are studied.

    2  Mock-ups of designs judged to be practical for adaptation to shower
       use but whose function is not immediately apparent are constructed.
       Tests are conducted using undergraduates at MIT and CalTech.  Any
       of the devices whose basic operation could be grasped within ten
       minutes are immediately discarded.

    3  Prototypes of promising designs are fabricated and installed in
       several prisons to be tested by inmates participating in early
       release programs.  Designs not destroyed in a week are rejected.

    4  The eight most promising units are adopted by the hotel industry
       association, which agrees to use all eight types on a random basis
       throughout the country to defeat possible "learning curve effect"
       that gradual familiarity with even the most baffling water-control
       system would inevitably produce.
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STRANGE DIRECTIONS

*   FUNDAMENTAL WARNINGS

    Developers are used to warning customers of the risk that a product may
    catch fire or explode.  Now, increasing litigation brings the prospect
    of more scientifically accurate notices [from "Absolute Zero Gravity"
    by Betsy Devine and Joel Cohen, Fireside/Simon & Schuster, 1992]:

    - Warning:  This product attracts every other piece of matter in the
      universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force
      proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional
      to the square of the distance between them.

    - Handle With Care:  This product contains minute electrically charged
      particles moving at velocities in excess of 500 million miles/hour.

   -  Note:  The most fundamental particles in this product are held
      together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known
      and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.

   -  Attention:  Despite any other listing of product contents found
      hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product
      consists of 99.999999% empty space.

   -  Notice To Purchasers:  The entire physical universe including this
      product may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small
      space.  Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence
      of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

    - 100% Matter Product:  In the unlikely event this merchandise should
      contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

UNNECESSARY EDUCATION

*   ADVANCED CORRUGATED CONTAINER WORKSHOP

    The University of Wisconsin offers a 4-day program for experienced
    packaging engineers.  In this popular workshop, you'll learn about the
    elements that go into making a good box and, during a team problem-
    solving exercise, you learn how to select the right box.  If you have
    limited experience, you should first attend the basic program,
    "Introduction to Corrugated Containers".  $910.  Call 608/262-1299.
___________________________________________________________________________
*   CHEMIN DEFERRED

    People all over France are losing their temper with SNCF, the state-run
    rail company.  A new computer booking system is proving so user-hostile
    it has virtually paralyzed the network.  "Socrates" cost 1.3 billion
    francs ($225M).  In theory, it issues tickets faster, and works out
    prices according to demand, rewarding passengers who book early and
    offering discounts if a train looks like having a lot of empty seats.

    In practice, it has repeatedly issued the wrong ticket, charged the
    wrong fare, left some trains half empty while filling others to
    bursting point.  Socrates relies on staff remembering whole slews of
    special codes.  To print a one-way ticket from Paris to Munich, for
    example, the issuer might typically have to punch in the following:
    6AGOOPENNA22FEBFRPSTDEBEGD1/BPal/B.  A lawyer from Metz sued SNCF,
    after they tried to fine him for traveling without a ticket; if he'd
    waited for a ticket, he argued, he'd have missed his train - he won.
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